“I guess it’s going to have to hurt, I guess I’m going to have to cry, And let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side
I guess it’s going to break me down, Like fallin when you try to fly,
Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”
― Carrie Underwood
“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.
WARNING: LOTS OF PERSONAL STUFF! IF YOU are looking for a reason to love me, or hate me, or whatever- you’ll probably find it. If you would like to maintain a cautious indifference to me, you may not care to read on.
I cried the whole way home from court this morning. It was loss, 15 years in the making- a dark pit of sorrow. And yet, a relief- like when the clouds break and the sunlight dances into your eyes, sparkling. The storm always passes. This was today.
6.5 months ago I thought I was done with this blog. But what I discovered was that the experiences I had on the trails were now a part of me. Not just each one, separate from the others, but the entirety of that year. I long every day to feel my feet on the dirt. The trail is a part of me. The breath of the earth flows in my lungs, is metabolized into my being.
And I realized: yes, it had been an experiment, to see how I would change over the course of that year. But the truth is this, that the change was permanent. So while I was out running the other day, I made a decision: I may not do a trail every day now, but I still experience them year-round. Trails 365.
So here I embrace this little web-log again. And it feels like an old friend. I’ve missed writing, and the reflection that necessarily accompanies it. I longed for it, and I didn’t know how much until now. Today, it is healing me.
What is it about now? Well I’ll tell you…
But first- a reminding disclaimer:
If you have known me from my youth, you will see running through my experiences the same energy, enthusiasm, temperament, and yes, even core standards, that I have always have. At my center, I am the same as ever.
“Take her or leave her, she will still be the same.” -Nickel Creek
But I have seen my life circumstances drastically change in the last year. This is not a bad thing, by any means, though many of you may judge them to be so. Believe this only: I know my own mind, heart, and spirit, and I am more true to them now than ever before. I am outright blissful! Generally speaking.
I say some personal stuff in this here blog thang. I have never had a very opaque filter, and less so now. If you don’t want to have a very intimate look at me- keep in mind I don’t write this stuff for you, but for my own personal growth and refinement- then please don’t read on. Forget this website, clear your browser history, and forget all about it.
No doubt some of you will be intrigued, read on, and become so offended that my Facebook friend list will be 200 fewer by the end of this post alone. I hope that’s not the case, but so be it. I cannot pretend any longer to be something I’m not.
So here’s the short list of things that have changed in the last year or so:
1. I have left the religion of my birth. No, I’m not “inactive”. If you have to label me, use the right title: “apostate“. I no longer believe in it- or any religion. If you want to, that’s awesome for you- I am grateful beyond words for how I was raised and the traditions that accompany the belief system, they have made me who I am. I have a deep appreciation for those who do believe! But I don’t have that testimony anymore and I can’t imagine it ever being rekindled in the future.
(if you would like to un-friend me, you’re welcome to do so now, then come back and read on if you like….no doubt you’ll find more stones to cast! Woo hoo!)
2. Dennis and I filed for divorce back in February. This was more than a month after I had officially asked him for a separation. Our divorce was finalized in court today (bet you were wondering why I picked today of all days to restart my writing, right?!?!) We are still companions in parenthood- the kids are really doing great- and friends. I don’t see this as the end of our relationship, just the beginning of a different one. He’s a good dad, friend, and a person. (Just not a good husband for me. Take of it what you will.)
3. The kids and I moved out of our house in GJ and are living in a cute little duplex in a manicured neighborhood right next to my eldest’s school. I am working three jobs (part-time at Roper Music, teaching music lessons, and doing business consulting/coaching/services). I feel like the real-life Dolly Levi. “If you have to live them hand-to-mouth, you better be ambidextrous!” It’s frequently 12-hour days, when you add in my kid-dedicated time, but I’m loving it.
4. Not long after our separation, I started hanging out a lot with Matt– the photographer I met last fall at one of the MAD Racing events. We are incredibly compatible and I am thrilled with how it is going. Now that the divorce is “official” I would like to “officially” call him what he is and has been for me over these past few very-challenging months: my best friend, boy friend, partner in many adventures, and my personal comedian.
5. I feel happier than I have been in a long time. Things are so so challenging right now, but I feel like I am starting to thrive like I haven’t in years. My kids are amazing, I’m doing everything I can to be a good mom and provider for them, and I’m doing things that I love with people that I like.
See, I told you it was a short list!
As for the format of this blog- it will still be trail-focused, with a little bit of life-considerations and insights just for kicks. It won’t be every day, just a chronicle of my trail experience, which I plan to have year-round!
♥ Elisa ♥
Now check out some pics of my trail adventures these last few months:
Credit: Matt Janson Photography