Instead of a quote today, watch this.
I’ve been working for days to rid my body of the detrimental chemicals I’ve been poisoning it with lately. I think I’m finally starting to feel better. My cankers are finally starting to heal. I’m having headaches, but that’s a good sign, I know. My hernia is acting up something fierce and that’s an issue, will have to be dealt with.
Physical improvements are great- but what I could really use is some relief from this crippling insecurity. Some days it’s so easy, so clear, and I’m happy and relaxed. And free. I can let it go. And some days I grasp to it like I’m drowning and it is a life saver.
I try to remain relatively vague about too much personal stuff in action in my life right now. But you have to understand that some of the struggles I’m having right now are relatively monumental. I have suffered for months under the fear and doubt of my husband losing his job. I have struggled to work and build on the projects that I can, but have yet to feel any measurable success. I finally reached a point where I felt things were going to work out to some extent, when the rug was pulled out from under me and I was left feeling utterly rejected and defeated. The one thing I felt that was going right and could become prosperous was cut from me. It would have been easier for me if he had cut off my hand.
Usually I just don’t dwell on these things. I let them go and focus on the present and what I can manage right now. I’ve worked hard to not attempt to control things beyond my ability. And when I have to perform a higher function that requires me to move beyond my comfort zone/blanket of insecurity, I simply act the part. This works well in the moment, but is absolutely crushing after the performance is over. I tear myself apart feeling utter inadequacy- wondering, questioning, what I could have said or done wrong and how others interpreted what I have said.
I acknowledge these failings of mine. And I work to build strength. But some days, like today, I feel crushed under this weight. I feel trapped, ineffectual. It is toxic, I know. But what better way to detox than to head into nature and feel the wind, the sun…experience all the sensations of the natural world.
So today I headed into the Colorado National Monument. I opted to start from the top, Rimrock Drive, and hike down. I’d do the Coke Oven’s overlook first, then drop down into Monument Canyon.
I usually run when I can, but today I hiked. I moseyed. I soaked it in. I wallowed. I was utterly alone in this vast canyon, and I sang. I eventually wandered to a boulder, and climbed up to prostrate myself in worship of the sun. I let the feelings wash over me, and purged myself through tearful resolve. I detoxed.
The return journey was short and uneventful, other than being muddy as the earth had warmed since my descent. I did stop at the cliff edge and consider the view.
When I returned to my Jeep I felt a measure of confidence again. I had this consideration- that life is about balance, right? And when we are out of balance, when we are not true, that is when we feel this negativity, until we get back into the right. For me this is encapsulated in self-identity. For some reason when I got back to my Jeep, drank a liter of water, and drove through this beautiful place, music up loud, hand tapping along… I felt more like me. And that is what mattered today. Just finding me again.