“You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart.”- Mumford and Sons “Roll Away Your Stone’
Well, I knew it would happen. I’m actually surprised it took this long. I’m pretty strong but even I can only take so much before I am brought down low. I knew I would feel like this in the morning when last night the feces hit the proverbial fan, I was tormented with waking dreams and couldn’t force my mind into senselessness. I embraced the stabbing, choking feeling that accompanies hopelessness, as it penetrates the area where my heart would be if I had one. My wrist radiates pain up my arm and into my hand, and where freckles typically grace my skin they are overshadowed with a turquoise bruise. I am frustrated with the healing process and anxious to be whole again. I once again recognize that hope is an incredibly false emotion.
With this brooding looming over me I still opted for a run. No music, no accompaniment- just me in my shoes hitting the snowy trail. I was the only vehicle in the parking lot and was reminded of the rareness of this occurrence. I had the Lunch Loops entirely to myself. It was the first positive experience to penetrate the darkness I am encapsulated in.
The second was when I felt the sunlight touch warmth to my face. Actual real-life warmth I tell you! It was virtually balmy this morning- with the wind carrying a mild touch, as if it had lost the sting it had brought with it the last two weeks. The snow was not white, but reflected rainbow colors. Eventually all of these things seemed to lighten my emotional doom.
And running felt great. The snow crunched under my track shoes creating a music that cannot be recorded, but is felt with every step. I reveled in the morning, in the energy, and in the motion of my body. It was the experience I needed to at least alleviate some of my suffering- but not all by a long shot.
So when hope is false and faith is a lie, at least I have running.