We wore our matching jerseys and went out for a quick ride at the Lunch Loop. It was really very fun. I like being able to “show off” for Dennis.
I’ve started getting up at 5am, like I used to do. I get up and I go to the gym and I spin or swim or do strength training, or run. So I was already a little tired today when I hit the trail.
Dave, due to surgery, is not in riding-bikes shape yet. We had a meeting coming up this evening so we decided to meet for a run and discuss the plan and any final details.
Since he had another meeting before he could get out to the Lunch Loop, I brought my bike and did a little 1-hour solo ride before our run. So…I was, again, tired. I was thinking maybe another 30 minutes for a run, then rest the rest of the day.
This was not to be. Dave pushed me for another hour, at least. I lost track. By the time we headed back to the TH I was almost so weary I was tripping over my feet. But it was worth it. We got ready for the meeting, we took trail pictures for Picmap, and even met up with the Hilltop Trail Crew, the leader of whom was to be our facilitator for tonight’s meeting. I took pictures and was able to give them kudos on social media.
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”
― May Sarton
I got back on the bike today for a light ride at the Lunch Loop. I am determined to: 1. Never Ever Ever get that sick again, and 2. Become stronger than I’ve ever been.
So it’s hot today, but I’m comfortable. I’m riding alone, but I’m not lonely. I’m with…myself. And that’s a good thing.
I had this realization that for a long time I just haven’t accepted who I am. I’m always trying to change (okay, I know that I started this post with wanting to change, but whatever).
The thought that came to me whilst climbing Pet-e-kes was this: I have crooked teeth. I have a veritable garden of freckles all over my body. I am pock-marked and stretch-marked and broken in a lot of ways. I can’t seem to please anyone. I am not always accepted, or acceptable. I can be deep, or shallow, and I will never sing as well as my sister, Tammiy. I will never be a smart as Wendy. I will never be anyone else but who I am and that is okay.
It’s better than okay. I can smile and be proud of my crooked teeth because, guess what?!!?! That’s just who I am.
I think this issue of always wanting to be more “perfect” comes from the way I was raised. Well I’m done with that crap. If people don’t like who I am, well that’s just fine. If people don’t think I’m pretty, that’s okay, too. I want to like myself. I want to accept myself. I want to see myself as the beautiful, awesome person that I think I am inside- and I want to see the beautiful, awesome person that everyone else is on the inside, too.
This self-acceptance was a revelation to me. Why have I always tried to change and become someone else? Someone more acceptable to everyone else, even if I wasn’t acceptable to me? Isn’t it enough just to love myself? Well I think it should be!
So that’s it. I don’t give a crap what the rest of you think of me! I’m going to be myself and love myself. And I’m going to get back to the fit, fun, dedicated mom I was and I should always be. I want to teach music again, and play horn again, and cook dinner almost every night again. Screw this idea that I need to be all of these things… things that I’m just not.